Slut Confession #100 (Geisha and Spider)

Sir,

whore layla says she is coming as a fetish geisha. she says there will be a good after party to go to as well. the prospect of dominating whore layla has brought out a certain 'backbone' in me. i had previously believed that my dominant side was an accidental affect of observing dominance and not true to my nature, but as i continue to speak to her, i am starting to believe that sexual dominance is as much a part of me as submission. dominance makes me nervous and insecure since i am not used to it, but when i am told i am good or given the impression that i am enticing, it is good for my self-esteem.

my roommate just gave me a real
riding crop in order to go with my costume (which is a spider as i will be a black widow). i will have something to swat whore layla with. they might give me a camera too because they too are curious about her. they do not know about my intentions for her- just that my costume would be better with a crop (my roommate used to be really into horses).

i do feel that the more real my desire to dominate whore layla becomes, the more it conflicts with my submissive state towards You. i still wish to revolve around your Cock and i still wish to belong to You but dominating whore layla has also brought out my own desire to dominate the world. i somehow do not feel like the Domme i should be and the Domme i want to be without also feeling that i have a relative edge against others in life as a whole. i still want to know You and be close to You. i don't know if i want to be the perfect slut- i guess that depends on what defines 'perfect slut' and what your commitment would be to the perfect slut.

perhaps the perfect slut passively accepts any and every action on your part purely in order for You and your Cock to be pleased. if that is the case, i just do not know if i can be the perfect slut right now. maybe someday, but not now as i fear so many things-abandonment, isolation (because You are often so reticent), feeling violated even. because i might strive to please You even if You wanted me to do something that was hurtful. i can only hope that i can trust You.

i got a 168 on the practice LSAT i took today timed. realized that before i took only 2-3 more minutes than the test allowed but even that small amount of time makes some difference. i will work on working within the time the test allows so that i can get a good score.

after 100 confessions, do You still feel that the time and effort You have spent on me has been time and effort wasted? i know 100 is a special number, and i do not feel that loving your Cock has been a mistake. i hope that it is not.

thank You,
kittyslut